Part forty-two: It’s not me, it’s you!
If we were monogamous, we’d behave like swans or penguins. If we met the chosen one, we would stay together for the rest of our lives without changing our partners on the way. There would be no treason, no major quarrels. Everyone would know what to do and what our duties are. Together we would raise offspring, defending them from every danger on the road.
With humans, it looks very different. Even before any permanent relationship, we can fall in love several times, of course with different people. On average, before marriage, we have four partners, two of which we stay for more than six months. On the other hand, marriages last on average fourteen years and fall apart around when we are forty years old. We also love to marry again, often with an older partner or a younger partner.
These figures are, of course, not unambiguous. They differ from each other according to whether we live in a city or a village, what religions we have, or from which point of the world we originate. So it’s not a rule. But this tells us a lot about our tastes and behaviors and confirms our belief that there is no such thing as ‘the one’ in theory.
I’m not going to consider whether it’s moral. However, I think that when the relationship becomes toxic, we should think about a few things. Since our happiness depends mainly on our family ties, we should be responsible for what happens next.
Unfortunately, it is not easy to end an unhealthy affair and say these magic words ‘it’s not me; it’s you.’ Noticing signals is not our strong side, and they often reach us through friends and family. Yeah, there’s no perfect relationship, and there’s a struggle in everyone from time to time. But as this is already visible to third parties who are actually starting to worry, there is a time for reflection.
And let’s be honest, not all couples fit together. The diversity of characters has a significant influence on communication, and our plans for the future and our interests can ruin any love. There is also a question of haste, but also a more radical method such as a compulsion report or arranged by parents. And no matter how long the relationship lasts and whether we are already married and have offspring, in very ugly situations we should start thinking about ourselves.
There are a few aspects that should turn on our warning light immediately, such as aggressiveness and lies. There are also many unnoticed at first glance. For example, partners should cooperate, not compete with each other. It’s also not ok if you have to break off contact with your friends just because your partner expects it. Either that you’re continually being corrected or ridiculed and then you start to doubt your own rationale. Then there is only a one-sided relationship between giving and receiving. As a result, one of the parties has a high chance of exhaustion, both physical and mental, burnout or depression.
There is also excessive irritation because of you, where for no reason are invented various scenarios about you. How about jealousy? Everyone can be a little jealous, but sometimes the emotions of a loved one reach the zenith, and you don’t even know what’s going on.
Other symptoms include disrespect, blackmail, constant control or manipulation and intimidation. These are really serious reasons for parting, which is never easy. And this is where the severe struggle with each other can begin. We are convinced that we will not be able to cope after break up. Or that we’re hurting our children by doing this. We are concerned about the acceptance of our social environment or the disapproval of close family members. Besides, most of us believe that the other person will change and we are waiting for the miracle to happen. We also do not like changes, which of course also affects our decisions. And among women, there is a fear of a biological clock and the realization of plans for the future.
The list is very long, and everyone can have unique ideas about it. However, there is always the way out of this situation. There is still a solution to overcome our problems and uncertainties. So if you are in a toxic relationship and want to improve your well-being but have no idea how to do it, contact the appropriate authorities. Your local psychologist knows hundreds of solutions and institutions that work closely together. Don’t hesitate to tell the police about the violence.
Remember also; you’re always on the way up if you are down because life is in constant motion and you have to keep moving.
And for people in a healthy relationship, I only have one piece of advice. Love and cultivate this love, because the closeness and support of another person is a beautiful feeling.
I invite you to think about it…